I’ve been feeling a powerful calling towards a specific creative project for the past couple of months with the sort of intensity that I haven’t experienced in many years.
I am not confident that it’s a productive or financially beneficial direction. I’m not confident that uncertainty is enough to dissuade me from pursuing it. I’m completely sure that’s the measure of potential success most everyone believes I should apply. The deciding factor.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like this; I often wonder what it would be like if I could just be a little more ‘normal’ when it comes to how my brain works. It seems like it should be so easy—it’s just… not.
I’ve attempted sitting quietly with this particular creative impulse. The stillness has left me both more compelled as well as more uncertain. Not very useful.
I am being vague here. Honestly, this is a terribly inconvenient moment to be considering any drastically different paths, but in some weird way I think that just amplifies my desire to defy the self-doubt.
I already know I’m going to invest the time and effort. I think I’m just still struggling with allowing myself to be okay with that. Somehow this post might be useful in that endeavor, or perhaps I just needed to express the contemplation somewhere more tangible than my own mind.
Sorry. I get weird sometimes.